the past few weeks of my life have felt so empty. if i could pinpoint the day it started – i would guess a few days after my baptism. maybe because i let some emotions in and uncovered some things about myself that i had not let myself deal with yet. traumas coming to light that i have stored for years of my life, revealing their self on what should be the happiest day of my life. maybe it’s the season, the month my mom passed.

yesterday was my day to post on mess and mercy for sober october’s 31. i could not find the message. for the life of me, it just wasn’t there. i felt so burdened by this piece of my life i have been called into. “i am exhausted. i do not have the energy to pour into anything. not myself, not my relationship – with anyone, including God.”

i texted katie, “i have nothing.” she responded, “i do.”

i have no reason to be emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted. i have everything going for me. everything i have asked God for in this season of my life, He has made it mine. which makes me feel all the more guilty that i don’t feel whole.

yesterday i got home from work, let my dogs out, sat at our patio table, and cried my eyes out.

i gathered myself just long enough to watch mason (literally my saving grace & everything i’ve ever prayed for) play with our two dogs in the back yard at my favorite time of the day – dusk. and as i watched them, i knew i should feel some peace, some happiness, some SOMETHING. but i didn’t.

i have always said i would know i had made it in life when i got to watch the perfect man play with my perfect children (granted those children are furry and four-legged for now) in the front yard of a beautiful life – my life.

que the water works.

i was witnessing everything i’ve ever wanted and it broke my heart in a thousand pieces because i didn’t feel anything.

i confided in katie again.

i knew she had been there. i have heard her story. a lot of you have heard it also.

& she sent sent me this:

there is a lot here. and i encourage you all to read it. but what stuck out to me more than anything is “confusion is God confronting you with your calling – if you’re uncomfortable – you better believe it’s on purpose. it’s yours.”

my baptism was the beginning of my calling – but it was also the beginning of my unsteadiness. i was called to publicly commit my life to God, so that i could confess everything He‘s done for me in the midst of everything awful i’ve been through – to testify that God is still God and He is still good. He is still pursuing me and He is still testing me.

what a blessing in disguise.

comfort is the enemy of growth.