The Testimony… not a sermon but a story. My story. God said somebody needs it, and honestly, I’m not using the pain anymore… so I’ll share it with you, BUT. READ. IT. ALL.
Guard your heart above all else, for everything you do flows from it -Proverbs 4:23
Guard your heart. If you have the time. grab a pen a paper. Write down what it means to you.. to “guard your heart” discuss it with me after this read. The stage prop… at the ripe age of 16 my Dad died-suddenly; my mother, shortly after, went to rehab for alcohol (advised by an attorney) to hopefully terminate a trip to prison for felony DUI, ends up in jail anyway, and in the midst of that- the home that I grew up in burned to the ground, it and what was left of my father’s belongings. Having been a victim of rape at the early age of 10 years old, I was already a very angry child- then all of this in a span of about six months, I had packed alot of life into 16 years.. I also sacked up alot of anger. What kind of God does this to a child? to anybody?  I can tell you now, it’s one that knew exactly what He was doing… and I’m so very grateful. Those little pieces of me are growing big pieces for Him. Guard your heart to me used to mean guard my life. I’m an independent, self sufficient, can’t check my own oil, scared to kill my own spiders, but I wont let you know it, you can’t help me or hurt me- invincible kind of girl.
and God said nah, probably not there pumpkin.
You’re heart is the seat of your life. The source of it all. What’s in your heart, what are you not letting out, what are not letting in? “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Luke 6:45  Really think about those words. I didn’t personally invite those things into my life, but I did personally get just pissed mad at Jesus and elected to kick Him out and hold on to that resentment. And it kept showing back up… on my mouth, my circumstances, how I viewed my life, and ultimately how I lived it.
Y’all, I’ve been there, some way or another. And I’m so sorry. God told me this morning that I was only half-answering what He asked of me. I have been holding back some pain that I don’t even use anymore- pain that He can use. I’ve tried to show y’all, (anyone really, that was really willing to listen) just how REAL this transition has been for me, praying in tears, hungry for the bible in a need-it way, kind of is this real life? kind of way. Hey God, after all of this time just HEY. It’s so nice to know you- way. How can I expect people to see where my heart is if they have no idea where it was? People don’t need another convicting sermon from me, y’all need the story.  I have no idea what you are holding on to, but I promise you I know what you need to hold in and its Him.
This little journey that I started, I was just putting some good words with some good books, maybe it’s helped somebody- maybe it hasn’t but I do know now it’s more than that, my work is bigger that words. The train was on the track, but it wasn’t cranked. Do trains even crank? I  mean maybe but, whatever-the point is… I’m not here for words on a page. I want to help you. I’m here to love you (in a non-weird way), To talk with you, grow with you.To show you that even the darkest times have seriously the brightest lights. I don’t care what it is guys. He’s bigger, better, best. I wish I could pour it over all of you, put each of you in this same place of completely broken beauty. Being weak is the advantage because it is our dependence on Christ that fills the cup. Stop being Miss “I can” and be the “I can’t, but He can.” Let me assure you, you will never be what you pretend to be… not your life, not your ability to parent, not your marriage. Image is nothing, and pretend is just a dress up form of life. We get tired, we go through hard times, we make stupid choices, we wear our selves out chasing the dream instead of embracing the life!!  I had poured to the bottom of my cup, I didn’t even have any more anger to fill it up, I had ran dry of everything but tears. Sitting in my bed, alone, feeling the literal weight of just everything on my shoulders.. as an ex-wife, a mother, a new wife, of just a person and then I cried some more. Real, desperate tears. and I didn’t pray.. because that had not worked the other times. It was when I realized I couldn’t, physically, emotionally just could not do it anymore that He whispers to me “Choose me, I can.”
God knew my heart that night in bed. He knew how I felt, I didn’t have to tell Him. Out of all the the pain my life has known, divorced parents, spending time in a domestic violence shelter because my mom was finally brave enough to remove my sister and I from marriage gone terribly wrong (I remember so vividly when my dad quite literally witnessed the life almost beat out of her when I was in the 3rd grade, the day I missed the annual sock hop), rape, addiction, death, and more divorce. He knew it was time. My heart was empty, finally. He did in me what it took to empty it out and make room for something indescribable. He chipped away piece by piece and made room for Him. I’m thankful for every single pain. Each one taught me a little something different. My cup is empty, maybe even a little lumpy, but my heart is full. What’s in your heart? Not what’s on your facebook, not even what’s on your face… what’s really in there? Guard your heart… but what’s in there…is it worth protecting?
He takes the broken pieces and makes them beautiful Ecclesiastes 3:11
Ill continue with week three in the small group study on Tuesday, Its amazing material, but while preparing for that… God said this was for today. and He said it wasn’t just for my study group but for everybody. Share it. Share His work, yall. People need to know that broken is not defeat; broken is beauty.