The Testimony… not a sermon but a story. My story. God said somebody needs it, and honestly, I’m not using the pain anymore… so I’ll share it with you, BUT. READ. IT. ALL.
Guard your heart above all else, for everything you do flows from it -Proverbs 4:23
Guard your heart. If you have the time. grab a pen a paper. Write down what it means to you.. to “guard your heart” discuss it with me after this read. The stage prop… at the ripe age of 16 my Dad died-suddenly; my mother, shortly after, went to rehab for alcohol (advised by an attorney) to hopefully terminate a trip to prison for felony DUI, ends up in jail anyway, and in the midst of that- the home that I grew up in burned to the ground, it and what was left of my father’s belongings. Having been a victim of rape at the early age of 10 years old, I was already a very angry child- then all of this in a span of about six months, I had packed alot of life into 16 years.. I also sacked up alot of anger. What kind of God does this to a child? to anybody? I can tell you now, it’s one that knew exactly what He was doing… and I’m so very grateful. Those little pieces of me are growing big pieces for Him. Guard your heart to me used to mean guard my life. I’m an independent, self sufficient, can’t check my own oil, scared to kill my own spiders, but I wont let you know it, you can’t help me or hurt me- invincible kind of girl.
and God said nah, probably not there pumpkin.
You’re heart is the seat of your life. The source of it all. What’s in your heart, what are you not letting out, what are not letting in? “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Luke 6:45 Really think about those words. I didn’t personally invite those things into my life, but I did personally get just
pissed mad at Jesus and elected to kick Him out and hold on to that resentment. And it kept showing back up… on my mouth, my circumstances, how I viewed my life, and ultimately how I lived it.
Y’all, I’ve been there, some way or another. And I’m so sorry. God told me this morning that I was only half-answering what He asked of me. I have been holding back some pain that I don’t even use anymore- pain that He can use. I’ve tried to show y’all, (anyone really, that was really willing to listen) just how REAL this transition has been for me, praying in tears, hungry for the bible in a need-it way, kind of is this real life? kind of way. Hey God, after all of this time just HEY. It’s so nice to know you- way. How can I expect people to see where my heart is if they have no idea where it was? People don’t need another convicting sermon from me, y’all need the story. I have no idea what you are holding on to, but I promise you I know what you need to hold in and its Him.
This little journey that I started, I was just putting some good words with some good books, maybe it’s helped somebody- maybe it hasn’t but I do know now it’s more than that, my work is bigger that words. The train was on the track, but it wasn’t cranked. Do trains even crank? I mean maybe but, whatever-the point is… I’m not here for words on a page. I want to help you. I’m here to love you (in a non-weird way), To talk with you, grow with you.To show you that even the darkest times have seriously the brightest lights. I don’t care what it is guys. He’s bigger, better, best. I wish I could pour it over all of you, put each of you in this same place of completely broken beauty. Being weak is the advantage because it is our dependence on Christ that fills the cup. Stop being Miss “I can” and be the “I can’t, but He can.” Let me assure you, you will never be what you pretend to be… not your life, not your ability to parent, not your marriage. Image is nothing, and pretend is just a dress up form of life. We get tired, we go through hard times, we make stupid choices, we wear our selves out chasing the dream instead of embracing the life!! I had poured to the bottom of my cup, I didn’t even have any more anger to fill it up, I had ran dry of everything but tears. Sitting in my bed, alone, feeling the literal weight of just everything on my shoulders.. as an ex-wife, a mother, a new wife, of just a person and then I cried some more. Real, desperate tears. and I didn’t pray.. because that had not worked the other times. It was when I realized I couldn’t, physically, emotionally just could not do it anymore that He whispers to me “Choose me, I can.”
God knew my heart that night in bed. He knew how I felt, I didn’t have to tell Him. Out of all the the pain my life has known, divorced parents, spending time in a domestic violence shelter because my mom was finally brave enough to remove my sister and I from marriage gone terribly wrong (I remember so vividly when my dad quite literally witnessed the life almost beat out of her when I was in the 3rd grade, the day I missed the annual sock hop), rape, addiction, death, and more divorce. He knew it was time. My heart was empty, finally. He did in me what it took to empty it out and make room for something indescribable. He chipped away piece by piece and made room for Him. I’m thankful for every single pain. Each one taught me a little something different. My cup is empty, maybe even a little lumpy, but my heart is full. What’s in your heart? Not what’s on your facebook, not even what’s on your face… what’s really in there? Guard your heart… but what’s in there…is it worth protecting?
He takes the broken pieces and makes them beautiful Ecclesiastes 3:11
Ill continue with week three in the small group study on Tuesday, Its amazing material, but while preparing for that… God said this was for today. and He said it wasn’t just for my study group but for everybody. Share it. Share His work, yall. People need to know that broken is not defeat; broken is beauty.
(we also believe chicken nuggets are a biblical form of measurement- directly proportional to the size of the blessing)
The Bible is real
There is power in testimony
& The Gospel changes everything
On point! Thank you for sharing.
Really needed this! I have been broken and asking what has been on my heart for a year now. Fighting doubt, fear, and anxiety. Knowing God is the only one who can help me and he has brought me such a long was from a year ago when it started. Some days seem to be harder then others but I’m thankful for my Father in Heaven that listens to me and holds me!
Emily, were all battling something and one problem is just as real as the other.. I would swear it take getting to that place of just cannot anymore than He will start moving in a way that says you can’t, but I can
Awesome thanks for sharing ! I think I have guarded my heart to much – I need to let my guard down
The very first and best thing we can do is be honest, completely honest with ourselves. The other stuff will fall off behind that
First off, friend you have a beautiful heart and letting the light shine through has helped so many others. Thank you. This was one of those hit home for me post, and “the mouth speaks what the heart is full of”. It makes me examine what’s in my own heart… I’ve built some pretty big walls throughout the years and always felt like I have been a ‘forgive easily’ person when I know deep down there’s things from childhood/throughout life that has held a bitter spot in my soul. Each and every day is a struggle to turn my full face/heart to Christ and fully let God take the wheels of this runaway train, but we are getting there. Thank you for your kind words and open heart and making this battle/journey a little bit easier to open up and turn to Him. Hugs?
It’s much easier for me to forgive you… it’s harder for me to “forget” it. Like oh that’s fine, we’re okay…. but I learned my lesson from you kind of thing. You have one of the prettiest hearts I know! I’m thankful for your friendship ?
Pam, knowing that it’s not “of God” is the biggest realization. I knew it wasn’t God making me feel that way. Just bitter and mad and hurt.. God doesn’t bring those feelings. BURY yourself in scripture! I was scratching around in my bible like a crazy person for about three weeks and I can’t tell you the difference it made in my life, obviously. Total and complete difference in how I saw things. It’s hard to come together. But it’s the right thing and the best thing. God takes the prettiest things from the biggest messes! Anywhere you run, you carry you with you. You will be just as bitter without your husband as you are with him. I PROMISE. My divorce wrecked me, but if it weren’t for that.. I’d never have gotten to where I need to be with the lord. I will certainly be praying for you both! James and 1st peter are both really good books to read about how we’re to lead our lives as christians and how we are to act during trials! If I can do anything else, please please. I’d be happy to help!